In The Beginning - Elaborate Introduction

On the advice of my therapist and many friends, I have decided to actually utilize this blog and spew forth...
What to spew? What to spew? Hmmmm.....

Lately, my panic attacks have resumed with full force. It started the other night when I was thinking that I have not yet met the child (baby) of a very close and dear friend.
That went on to me thinking that when I was hospitalized in august/september, I was not to be home. First I was supposed to go visit my parents. They live in a very small, almost rural town. The closest actual hospital is an hour away. I did not go because I could not afford a plane ticket and they had already paid for my daughter's ticket. Then I had planned to go visit the afore-mentioned friend who lives about 3 hours away. I was not feeling well (I will elaborate) so I stayed home.

History: I suffer from a sero negative form of Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) called ankylosing spondylitis and another auto immune disorder called sjogren's syndrome. I am Bipolar 2, with an anxiety disorder and acute insomnia

Elaboration:
On August 19, 2010 I got off the phone with the amazing V at about midnight. I went into the bathroom, preparing for bed. At about 4 am my S.O. woke up and when I wasn't in bed he came to see where I was. Where was I?? Passed out with my head in the bathtub. It took him 3 hours to get me out of the bathroom to the couch, as I was losing consciousness every few minutes. He says he called a friend JM, she said emergency room. Then he called my doctor, they said ER NOW!! He got me in the car, took me to the er. They triaged me and my blood pressure was 70/45.. That is not good. I woke about 9:30 in pain with leg tremors. The nurse told me they could give me nothing... I was in Renal failure...i freaked a bit and fell back asleep.
The next few weeks are a blur. I was in a medically induced coma.

more tomorrow... this makes me cry.

Reason 367 having a teenager is AWESOME....

Cuz they turn you on to stuff like this...

WORDS

I love WORDS...

All words, any words... especially words that have been put together to make amazing thoughts and/or emotions...

Those who know me, know me to be a voracious reader... i read like crazy, i go through an average of 3-4 books a week... mostly science fiction and mostly short stories.

Unfortunately... my short attention span can sometimes limit me... (novels have to grab me by the brain, straight up... )

I am jealous of those who can put the words down on paper (or on computer as it is in our techno-centric world)

I have tried, numerous times, to do the same. It always seems to get lost between my 80 mile a minute brain and my 80 word per minute typing speed.

I can write instructions on how to manage your MS Outlook inbox so that a 5 year old becomes a pro... but the stuff deep inside my head and heart, never comes out the end of my fingertips the way it started in my head.
I have tried, numerous times. It always seems to get lost between my 80 mile a minute brain and my 80 word per minute typing speed.


So, I am sharing with all of you, my lovelies, some of my favorite bits of "words" that have been strung together by other humans who have managed to get it from their head to their hands.

1). Michael Moorcock , The Cairene Purse, part 1 title

Her First Fond Hope of Eden Blighted

2) Dead Can Dance, song title.. (they get dupes, because the song title in itself is beautiful and heart wrenching)

In Power We Entrust the Love Advocated

Hell, I am going to put the whole Sail on silver wings
Through this storm
What fortune love may bring
Back to my arms again
The love of a former golden age.
I am disabled by fears concerning which course to take.
For, now that wheels are turning,
I find my faith deserting me...

This night is filled with cries of
Dispossesed children in search of paradise.
A sign of unresolve that,
Envisioned, drives the pinwheel on-and-on.
I am disabled by fears concerning which course to take.
When memory bears witness to
The innocence, consumed in dying rage!

The way lies through our love;
There can be no other means to the end,
Or keys to my heart...
You will never find.
You will never find!

3)Indigo Eyes, Peter Murphy lyric

The playmate sings
Like Orphee in some thunder world
Asking to be bathed in light
To be exemplified

4) Isaac Asimov's "Laws of Robotics" ( he wrote this in 1942!, this should be the 'LAWS OF BEING ALLOWED TO BE PART OF THE HUMAN RACE'), which I interpret to be his true intention..

A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

5) Orson Scott Card -'nuff said

We care about moral issues, nobility, decency, happiness, goodness—the issues that matter in the real world, but which can only be addressed, in their purity, in fiction." -

The point I am trying to make here, before my malfunctioning brain chemistry wrangles it way off to the tangent is...

I WISH I could do it.

Hence the reason for this blog thingy, to practice.

**disclaimer- i couldn't get the darn hyperlinks out, sorry***

What's in a name?

The name comes from a fictional sub atomic particle referenced in Orson Scott Card's
Ender's Game series.

The dictionary has the following definition

philote
noun

1. (science fiction) a truly indivisible particle

From what I can glean, it's loosely based on quantum field theory. By no means am I a physics genius. I understand just enough of quantum mechanics/physics to.. well.. understand the basic concepts.

The idea of particles existing/not-existing in and out of our universe, being everywhere and no where at once, fascinates me.

Sometimes I feel just like a philote....

Pictures Pictures Everywhere

My lovely daughter has the photography bug. My title picture is one she took. She is actually quite good, having scored a 4 (highest score) in the recent regional V.A.S.E competition. Not bad for a first time entrant.

here is my favorite one so far

Video Game Power struggles and struggles

So, as previously mentioned, I am a SUPER GIANT HONKIN' GEEK/NERD. I live in a house full of SGHG/N's. SGHG/N's with ADHD.. All 3 of us (hence the rambling at times). Some of the nerdiness overlaps, (video games, zombie lovin', some quite off kilter musical tastes). Some don't.

The video games are a big ticket item in my house. We probably spend more time playing them than watching TV and movies. I, for one, feel it's less of a waste of time. We have differing tastes and there is some overlap.

The Fable II power struggle was epic.

I cannot STAND to watch someone else play a game I am currently playing. It drives me nuts. I don't want to see where I am going. Playing styles differ. My daughter is a "play through and get it done fast the 1st time and take my time and look for everything the 2nd time" kind of player. I am not. It makes my brain go super-nova.
I am a "look in every nook and cranny and behind every rock and tree" kind of player.

Now, I should have prefaced this with the fact that "the Man" and I are adamant about the fact that in our home there is only 1 television to watch television on. We aren't cheap.. I just really, really, really hate it when I see families with a TV in every room and everyone is in there with their door closed. We watch as a family.

We had the XBOX hooked up to the big TV in the living room, the Wii in the family room on an old CRT TV. I play JRPG’s, they take a really long time to play. My last one was over 108 hours of game time. We all have a tendency to hyperfocus.

I just bought another XBOX and another HDTV.

Problem solved, to an extent.

XBOX will only let you have your profile on one storage device at a time..Downloadable content certificates are attached to the storage device. Unless you are profile owner who downloaded it. After much aggravation, we finally found a solution, sort of. I have one hard drive, the man has one, and daughter has a removable storage device, as she moves about a lot (babysitting, friends, etc)
The hard drives move from point A to point B relatively easily. I just wish that Microsoft had a more user friendly solution for multiple system households.

I understand they have to do what they can to prevent pirating and people cheating and sharing whole copies of games etc. But really, should I have to pay for DL content more than once, because I have more than one gaming system? Should I have to buy more than one copy of a game (exp: Left4Dead, which rulz BTW) to play online with my child or S.O?

Maybe a centralized server type solution, sharing on the same network/subnet from one machine? Maybe reduced cost secondary licensing or versions that only run if you have the disk? Registering Mac addresses or IP or whatever...

I don't know, that part of the computer world isn't my forte.. But it seems it should be feasible in some manner...

Thoughts??

Let's have a go at this, shall we?

So, I am (hopefully correctly) guessing that the whole point of this thing is to write stuff down and hopefully someone in the Land O' Computernets* will see it and gain some insight or knowledge or just have a good laugh!


I am going to try my best to not make this a whine-fest. There will be some complaining done.. Mostly just so anyone who cares can get an insight into what makes me tick.










*I am allowed to use words like this, and do so, often. The reasoning behind this is simple. I am a computer geek, have worked in I.T. for over 20 years and, as such, know the correct vocabulary. We live in a House O' Geeks and find is mildly amusing.